Autumn
by EspoirDio
Summary: Karen is experiencing autumn and all its melancholy.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, so this is just something that came to me a little while ago...I just decided to actually write it tonight. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, though I have a rough idea. I also don't know when I'll be updating again coz my "Nanny" projects take priority at the moment. I just thought I'd post this in anyway!;) **

**Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me!  
**

**Autumn**

**Prologue:**

The soft cool breeze grazing her skin awoke her from her slumber. She remained where she was, outstretched on her bed, her left hand reaching out, simply listening to the storm outside. It was a constant melody that consisted of silence, followed by the deafening crescendo of the wind tangling in trees and leaves. Her eyes firmly closed Karen kept her face buried in the crook of her right arm, breathing in the familiar scent of shea butter and ginger and eucalyptus from the ointment she had rubbed on Jack's chest earlier on. A slight shiver started at her calves and slowly crept up her thighs until it consumed her body entirely and with great reluctance she changed her position to draw the blanket up to her chin. Jack was still sound asleep next to her and the warmth that was radiating off his body combined with the knowledge that there was another heart beat in the house calmed her, if only for a while. Slowly opening her eyes she found that she was enveloped by darkness still and only the city lights drew shapes and danced across the ceiling. New York was alive, a city that never slept, and sometimes Karen didn't know if that was comforting or scary. Carefully she slipped out from under the covers, her bare feet silently touching the carpet. She risked another glance back at Jack who didn't seem to have noticed her stirring and, wrapping her arms around her body, she walked over to the window. It had only been opened a mere couple of inches, yet that had been quite enough for the wind to intrude. She smiled sadly and pushed it open completely, enjoying a fresh breeze that ran through her hair. For a moment she simply stood there, closing her eyes and savouring freedom, a sensation that she was hard-pressed to experience these days.

"Karen, are you alright?" Jack's sleepy voice drew her from her musings.

His warm hand on her shoulder seemed to burn her skin, searing as it was against the cold she was feeling.

"Come back to bed," he repeated and she managed a weak smile.

"In a minute, Jackie,"

Apparently pleased with her response he moved away again. Karen sighed deeply, breathing in as much of the fresh air as she could before closing the window, locking herself back in the confinement of the Walker mansion. Yes, autumn had come...and with it her yearning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Me again!:) I realise that this is all still very cryptic and I'm afraid this chapter doesn't really shed light on anything either, so you just gotta bear with me till the next one, you'll get some answers then. ;) **

**Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own any of the characters!  
**

**Chapter 1:**

A car screeching to a halt was what finally, unceremoniously woke her. She lay perfectly still, lost in the dreams that had been surrounding her a minute ago. But soon the sweet comfort faded away and was replaced with what was New York during rush hour in the morning. The cacophony of cars honking and masses of people squeezing their way through the streets took over and it seemed remarkable that this had only woken her now. Her back hurt slightly from the uncomfortable position she had spent most the night in and so she rolled to her side, pulling her blanket along as she went. Though the night has passed the mood still lingered and so she refused to greet the day.

"I know you're awake," Jack's gentle voice said and she slowly opened one eye to peer at him over the top of her arm.

She raised an eyebrow inquisitively; challenging him to say something else, but just as he opened his mouth his attention was caught by her alarm clock.

"Oh my God, I'm gonna be late for my audition!" he exclaimed, jumping out of bed.

Under normal circumstances Karen would have lazily followed suit, slipping into her dressing gown and calling driver to ensure that Jack would still get there on time. But they had been through this scenario so often and Karen was tired of it. So instead she closed her eyes again and tried to block out all noises that suggested that life was going on around her.

"I need some cash to get downtown quickly," she heard his voice again after a while.

"First drawer." Was all she said and he helped himself without hesitation. Yes, money, that she had plenty.

"Thanks for looking after me, Kare." Jack called one more time, but he was already halfway out of the door and so it lost its sincerity.

With him gone the house became dreadfully silent again. It wasn't, of course, that the house was actually quiet. In fact, there were several maids bustling about, doing their everyday routine. It only seemed quiet to her because nothing of real importance ever happened. Like in a doll house where everything was perfect because its inhabitants didn't have the capacity to scream. Perfect and silent.

She drifted in and out of sleep that day, her body and mind trapped by a familiar exhaustion she simply couldn't shake.

"Lady, did you get so drunk last night that I have to hose you out of bed?" Rosario asked, she hadn't even heard her come in.

"Could you call Grace for me and let her know that I won't be coming to work today?" Karen said in return.

She didn't know why it suddenly mattered to her that someone knew she wasn't well. She didn't know either if Grace would even care whether or not she turned up at the office but she had suddenly remembered that she had a life outside of all this. A life, well, that was something at least.

By the end of the week Karen still hadn't managed to rid herself of the lingering lethargy. But on that particular day the heaviness didn't seem to be quite so strong and so she slowly got out of bed. Just a quick shower and she would surely feel better. The water certainly felt nice on her skin, warm and refreshing at the same time. Karen stood; her feet a few centimetres apart, her back bent allowing the water to trickle down her spine. She thought of a woman she had made love to many years ago. Even now she could still picture her soft blonde hair, her blue eyes that held a depth which longed to be explored. She remembered how they had loved each other, night and day, playful, dominant, romantic, poetic but always passionate, clinging to each other as if the world depended on it. At the end she had been so familiar with her body that she could recognise it in the dark. Her small, round breasts, her collarbones, the silky skin of her back, her thighs, her legs. Maybe this was what love felt like, losing oneself in the other until the lines became blurred, until it became impossible to say where one began and the other ended. She didn't miss that woman anymore; all she missed was the feeling. The water continued to trickle down her body, small droplets running down her face like tears. She only stopped when it got too warm, when her skin had turned red and raw. But at least she was feeling something again. Carefully she slipped out of the shower, water dripping everywhere until she got hold of a towel. Drying herself with care, she put on a dress robe and exited the bathroom to head back to the safety of her bedroom. The only difference being that it wasn't safe there anymore.

"Hello, Kare." Will said, sitting on her bed wearing a tired smile.

"Hello," she replied.

And so it began anew.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 2:**

"Hello, that's all you have to say?" he questioned, arching an eyebrow.

"What else do you expect me to say, Will?" she asked in return, drying her hair then discarding the towel without ever making eye contact with him.

He didn't answer immediately and she wasn't sure if he was contemplating what to say next or if he was simply trying to assess her mood.

"What are you doing here?" she reluctantly asked after a while.

"It's autumn," he replied matter-of-factly.

Karen kept the expression of her face neutral, dreading to think what would happen if she allowed him to see and so her voice was cool when she said: "That didn't answer my question."

"Grace told me you haven't been in the office for nearly a week." he answered resignedly.

"I didn't think that was so unusual that Grace would be concerned." Karen said, running a brush through her hair.

"It wasn't to her, but I know you better than that... and it _is_ autumn. Why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, honey, everything's just fine." she said, her voice high-pitched and she was straining to smile.

"Did you know that humans recognise a fake smile because different face muscles are used?"

"No, but apparently there's something new to learn every day." she said dryly and walked past the bed to stand by the window.

"Karen, do we really have to go through that every single time?" Will asked, removing his jacket.

Karen stood unblinking, watching the cars in the street and the changing colours of the traffic light. That's how it started every year, every year since their dangerous game had begun. He would care, he would see her falling to pieces when nobody else would and his persistence would eventually get to her. At first she had liked to blame it on autumn, on the inevitable vulnerability this season provoked, but lately she had come to think of it as a character flaw. Maybe if she didn't listen to his words, if she thought of _her_ the danger would pass. She vaguely registered that Will slowly rose to his feet and approached her and so she willed herself even stronger to focus on the past, the past which was the reason that they were here now.

_It had been autumn, of course, when she had seen Leila for the very first time. Just married to Stanley Walker her life still had had a purpose, she still had had meaning to him. Back then she had received everything she'd asked for and sometimes, if he was a little stubborn, all she had to do was pout. He was perfect, he was rich and he loved to spoil her. It was on that windy day in autumn, however, that Karen began to notice that maybe everything wasn't so wonderful after all. Having spent several minutes of begging Stanley had finally agreed to accompany her for a walk in Central Park. _

_"Look at the leaves," she said, slipping off her gloves to pick a dark red one up "aren't they beautiful?" _

_"Yes, beautiful, darling." he answered- the correct response at the correct time. _

_As they continued walking Karen picked up more and more leaves, yellow ones with green edges, brown ones that were crisp to her touch. _

_"You cannot take them back to the manse though, darling." Her husband suddenly said. _

_"But they are so beautiful." she tried. _

_"If you like plants I'd be happy to order you all the flowers you want, so you can decorate the house with beautiful things." _

_"Yes, Stanley." - The correct response at the correct time. _

_Of course she could've pushed the matter but she doubted that he would've understood and those doubts never left. _

_That night they had been invited to a formal dinner where the crème de la crème of New York was present. With the recent events still fresh in her memory Karen was somewhat subdued. Sitting by her husband's side she was playing the role of the doting wife and so it had taken a couple of minutes before she had noticed Leila. She was sitting at a table opposite her, a young handsome man by her side who was paying as much attention to her as Stanley to Karen. The young woman sat, eyes downcast, eating a salad. Karen didn't know what compelled her to watch for there was nothing remarkable about her and yet she felt unable to tear herself away. And then finally the woman looked up, her gaze scanning the room and Karen saw the same hopelessness in her blue eyes that she had experienced herself mere hours ago. Never once did they make eye-contact but Karen didn't let her out of her sight for the rest of the evening. But there came a point when she couldn't continue to do so without having to offer an explanation and after she had shared several dances with her husband she found that the woman was gone. Despair welled up inside her like she hadn't sensed before and she felt a strange loss for a woman she hadn't even talked to. _

She had been trying to ignore his presence for as long as she could but by now the heat that was radiating off his body was overpowering. He gingerly lifted up her auburn hair and tied it up with a pin. Then slowly his arms snaked around her waist, loosening the sash that was holding her bathrobe together. His hands ran up her arm and he placed a kiss on her neck, just below the hairline, before pushing the robe over her shoulders. It hit the floor with a soft thud, leaving her exposed in the darkened room.

"Every year," he whispered, trailing kisses down her spine.

She shivered involuntarily and closed her eyes against the flood of guilt that seemed to overwhelm her. His hands caressed her breasts before gliding down to rest on her stomach, holding her upright as if he knew that she needed his strength. He feathered a kiss against her right shoulder blade until finally his entire face rested against her skin. She could feel him smile, feel his lips curve upwards, a smile so radiant that it warmed her from within.

"Look at me, Karen."he quietly said and turned her around.

She tried to, she always did, to see him but the image always became blurred, tainted by traces of Leila until she couldn't distinguish between them anymore and she wanted to believe that it was Leila who was loving her. That was why she never touched him on that first night, why she refused to feel the muscles that would've made her see the truth. Instead she allowed Will to caress her, take her against her bedroom wall until everything dissolved into blackness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3:**

When Karen opened her eyes again it was pitch-black in the room. Will was asleep right next to her, his arm draped over her body and the palm of his hand resting against her stomach. It was a sweet gesture, of course, yet the possessiveness with which he clung to her only strengthened her desire to bolt. After having slept with each other, Will had leaned against the wall panting, his arms on either side of her as if trying to stop her should she try to run. Karen watched him, her chest rising and falling rapidly also, but with the faintest trace of guilt in her eyes. Will Truman had been transformed, no longer looking tired and weary but alive again. This change that their meetings brought along always washed over him first, while their first encounter usually left her with nothing but remorse. She knew that it was in her power to stop the ensuing madness then and there but instead she merely captured his lips. The kiss was sweet and almost apologetic, as if trying to repay him somehow for all the pain she had caused in the past and that which was still waiting for them. Then, as if to avoid his happy smile, she had slipped away and crawled into bed, shivering as he had followed suit. Sadly what Will didn't see was that a part of Karen would always linger in the past, would always belong to Leila.

_From the first time she had laid eyes on the woman Karen's interest was sparked. Despite her sadness she had seemed alive and poetic and Karen was slightly ashamed to admit that she often fantasised about her. She didn't know whether it was because of that or because Stanley and her were going through a rough patch in anyway, but their relationship began to suffer. The only times she would now willingly leave the house with him was when he had another banquet to attend. And the main reason she went along was, obviously, because she hoped to see the woman again. It was during a particularly dull dinner that she caught sight of her. She continued to listen to her husband's conversation for a couple of minutes, as it would've been rude not to. But all the while her eyes were resting on the woman. Following the strands of her blonde hair to her shoulders, down her bare back which was completely revealed by the cut of the dress she was wearing. All the while she wished that she didn't simply have to see, but to touch and kiss the soft skin that looked so inviting. Her husband's anecdote ended in polite laughter and approving comments and Karen excused herself, determined not to let the woman get away again. When she finally reached her side she kept her face blank and her tone neutral. _

_"I haven't seen you here before; you look strangely out of place." _

_From the corner of her eyes she noticed how the young woman turned around, studying her calmly while the rest of her demeanour gave away how nervous she truly was. _

_"Are you new here?" she continued to ask when the woman didn't say a word. _

_"I've been living in New York City pretty much all my life." she finally spoke, her voice surprisingly deep. _

_"That's not what I meant, honey," Karen said, eliciting a hollow laugh while gesturing around the room "are you new to this circus?" _

_"My husband and I have been married for a year now and I don't mind attending these events." _

_"Well, I think you've dug your own grave and you know it. I found out too late..." As her voice trailed off, she opened her purse and fished for her pack of cigarettes. "Want one?" she then offered but the blonde shook her head. _

_"I don't smoke." _

_"Suit yourself," Karen said shrugging, before lighting her cigarette "one day closer to fucking death." _

_A silence followed that was uncomfortable and yet oddly familiar. _

_"I wonder what happened to make you so bitter..." the woman quietly said, more to herself. _

_"I do too, sometimes," Karen answered, taking a long drag from her cigarette "but it's pointless, honey. Have another drink instead." _

_And she waved the waiter over to them. Hesitantly, almost shyly, the young woman took a drink from the tray and began to sip on it. _

_"I think you're beautiful nonetheless." she slowly said, as if choosing each word deliberately. _

_And it was almost painful to be broken open like that, all her doubts and suspicions and wrong thoughts wiped away by such a simple statement. Though, of course, it wasn't necessarily the statement in itself, it was the gentle tone and the look in her blue eyes. _

_"I'm Karen Walker," she finally introduced herself, for there was really nothing else to say. _

_"Leila Davis." The young woman said, taking her hand._

"What are you thinking about?" Will asked, pressing his lips to her shoulder.

"Nothing, honey, go back to sleep."

"You have to stop pushing me away, Kare, you know that I'm the only one who understands you."

At this Karen shrugged off his arm and distanced herself from him. He watched her silently for a moment, her hazel eyes directed towards the ceiling, seemingly there in body, while her mind was somewhere else entirely.

"Does this have to do with Leila?" he finally asked.

Karen flinched, as if the name itself had caused her physical harm. "What do you know about her?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4:**

"Nothing. And I didn't think much about it when Grace mentioned her name, but now I'm beginning to wonder..."

His voice trailed off and the silence returned to the room. Karen still wasn't looking at him; instead she was focusing on the ceiling.

"Then what makes you think she has something to do with it?" Now Karen's voice was cold and controlled, determined as she was not to give herself away again.

"Grace was so calm when she told me that you hadn't been to the office. So I got mad at her, asked what kind of a friend she was not to call you."

"Well, honey, you didn't call either." Karen interjected, hoping that maybe if she'd hurt him enough, he'd leave.

"But I came here today, didn't I?"

"Oh Will, my knight in shining armour." she remarked cruelly before adding: "You just came here to have sex."

"You know that isn't why I came!" he contradicted at the same time, his voice overpowering hers.

Karen swallowed; suddenly sickened by the inevitable topic they were hurtling towards. Silence followed yet again, the only noise coming from the opened window reminding them that the Big Apple was still pulsating with life.

"Grace just shrugged and said she wasn't that worried because she knew why you weren't at work. Then she told me about the night you two got drunk and that you mentioned Leila."

Karen sighed and rolled to lie on her stomach, burying her face in the pillows. They still smelled of her and of Stanley's aftershave but soon, when the morning came, they would smell of Will too, another reminder of the betrayal she was committing. Remains of memories were flickering through her mind: salt, Tequila, lemons, Grace, comfort, the truth. Grace had asked her and she had answered. The warmth of the alcohol burning in her stomach she had finally found the courage to be herself again. Or maybe that was just another role she was playing. Karen couldn't be sure anymore, had forgotten how long it had been, numbed over the years by pills, pain and alcohol. Like an actor that had played too many roles and forgotten in the process what his self was.

"Why were you so upset before? Was it really just because of Stan?" Grace had asked.

"No, it was because of Leila." she had answered truthfully.

"Leila...did you love her?"

But Karen couldn't remember anymore if she had answered that question. Or maybe she simply didn't know the answer to it.

_She hadn't seen Leila again after that for almost a year. And the perfect life she had thought to have had, had slowly fallen to pieces. Somewhere between Stan's business meetings, banquets and family Karen had got lost. Nobody noticed. Her spending sprees escalated, her clothes became more revealing and still Stan didn't see. And then suddenly Karen stopped caring. _

_It was at the New Year's Eve Ball when they had their first public fight. Fresh anger raging inside her and the determination to leave him drove her out of the hotel and into the night. Standing at a street corner she tried to hail a cab but failed. Then finally one slowed down but didn't stop and frustrated Karen took off her heels and chased after it until it had disappeared. _

_"What's your rush, Mrs. Walker?" a voice asked, one that she would recognise anywhere but certainly hadn't expected to hear that night. _

_Karen slowly turned around and only her hazel eyes gave away how relieved she was to see the blonde. _

_"I thought you didn't smoke?" she asked, eyeing Leila who was leaning against the facade of a building, taking long drags from a cigarette. _

_"Things change." _

_And it pained Karen to hear her talk like that. She felt an inexplicable loss for a kind spirit, a woman who, a year ago, had been warm and innocent. Firmly she snatched the cigarette out of Leila's hand and threw it to the ground. She dropped her shoes and watched a while until the light of the cigarette had disappeared. _

_"What happened to you?" she quietly asked, much like the blonde had done on their last meeting. _

_And then, ever so slowly, she had lowered her lips onto Leila's. Blue eyes had found hazel ones, doubtful and scared as to the reality of the situation they were in. But then as her kisses became hungrier her eyes had closed, giving in to something both had been expecting from the start and glad that Karen had found the courage to do so. Soon they got close, their bodies so tangled that Leila had to lean against the building for support. But still her kisses bruised Karen's lips until the agony of the past year had vanished, entirely consumed and voluntarily taken on by Karen._

"Yes, I did mention Leila to Grace that night." she admitted, feeling his eyes still observing her.

"Then tell me, who is Leila? What does she mean to you?" he probed.

"Leila means nothing...she _is _nothing but a ghost of my past...a memory."

"Then let me help you forget her!" he said, his voice insistent but not pleading "You've always said that I'm the only one you can rely on!"


End file.
